Whats important to me these days? Does it depend on how much it costs, and if it does, does it get more or less important in relation to the price

But Im not talking about material things Oh no. What about significant others? I mean they could be very important. Remember Beau? Could you deal with that? Could I deal with that?

And my dearly beloved family; it seems like every time I get my feet on the ground they throw a curve ball that sends me flying on my behind. I keep telling myself I dont need them. I keep telling myself I do. But I wish it all came down to me. Or maybe it does and I just dont handle it right yet?

Where does the desire for someone else come from? I find myself thinking I need Jimmy But I feel disgusted from my desire. Not that there is something wrong with him. (Lord no, theres nothing wrong with him.) But how can I not be disgusted with putting myself in a situation where I can definitely get hurt?

Sex? No. Its not about sex. Its not about completely giving myself to someone physically... Its not even about the emotions involved. It is that I may depend on another for that which I could give myself, but I choose not to.

I, myself, no other and no classical conditioning has made me this way. Oh no! It was all my doing. My mistake from the beginning. Trust is lovely Confidence, Security. But trust is broken, just like rules.

Why the need to trust another person? I think we should spend more time getting to know ourselves and learning to trust ourselves, rather than looking for someone to get to know and trust.

Maybe these stereo-typically socially unacceptable self-destructive patterns that everyone wants to keep everyone else out of (Or lock them up for) are the type of patterns we need. Do drugs! Sit at home. On the computer or not, talk to people. Explore the denied. "God doesnt exist, he does, and He hates you and I." Stop being worried about what others think, because no matter what you do they will think anyway. Be yourself, because if people dont like you as you, they arent going to like you as someone else. No matter what you think.

Why have I felt ill all day? Other than over sleeping everything is fine. Maybe stress has got me down? Im also almost constantly clamping my jaw. Why is that? Its my fault I feel this way. Whats more is the reason I feel this way. The reason is pathetic. I havent talked to Jimmy today, I didnt see him yesterday, and I probably wont see him today. Why is that bothering me?

Im backtracking. Im depending on others to keep me occupied, happy, full. I can, I should be depending on myself for this. Why arent I? Why am I not savoring the time I have? In my room, by myself, secluded, alone. Why does that bother me rather than relax me?

In the dark music free when Im alone I come up with poems, I come up with inspiration; I come to terms with myself. And second by secluded second I am becoming how I want to be.

"I hurt. Why? What kind of hurt? How can I neutralize, love, or extinguish this feeling?" But is all of this truly productive or destructive? Suppression? Depression? Is destructive behavior really destructive? If you suppress something long enough it shouldnt bother you

I can see through stress. Just like I see through so many people that dont exist. Stress doesnt exist. Its something communally created in minds. Those people dont exist to me. But they still affected me. I learned to null myself to their shadow of a being; of a soul. Stress still affects me. One day it wont, its hollow shell of a fictional feeling will not be able to disrupt me. On day, Ill depend on myself.

Analyze yourself. Honestly, let me analyze myself. It is questionable whether or not I will be able to accomplish everything my thoughts have stated in this. However, I maintain that I will one day see my emotions, feelings, thoughts, laid out like the alphabet. None the same, some similar. Ways to group, organize, and re-order them. Infinite possibilities in each one. But right now my mind is nothing more than an un-opened deck of cards, or a series of different symbols. My mind hasnt evolved to speech yet; its still the alphabet. My mind is still just an open deck of cards sitting in front of me.

Im about to pick them up.