Who knows, maybe I'm an 'attention whore', but I love to constantly bask in the never-ending acknowledgement of my personality. I'm open minded, I'm smart, I have theories and ideals that many thirty year olds would not have thought of. I have the ability to step aside and look at situations from a nearly un-biast view point. But at the same time I am able to sympathize and anylize actions that are socially viewed as bad, incorrect, and/or inappropriate. I swear I am not concieted (Well maybe sometimes) but I am really an all around awesome person. But I've worked hard and paid a price to become the person I am.

  Hours and hours of time spent doing nothing but listening to music, and thinking. I think about my life, my personality, my actions, and occurrences in my life. With all my free time to think I spend alot of time anylizing how I am and how I want to be. I spent time thinking about the day's, week's, and year's events that I was involved in, and go over my actions time and time again. Anylizing my actions an deeming them appropriate, inappropriate, mediocer, or just a lose, lose situation. Then I think of how things could have been different. What if I had said or done this or that as opposed to what I actually did or said?

  Through this boundless time I am able to shape myself in to what I want to be. I'm not there yet. One thing I can't or refuse to change is how I want to be. The closer I get to how I want to be it would seem the more the majority of people don't like me and the more I don't care.

For the sake of an argument, or clairification, lets take a look at this in an analogy.

I am a computer. So are you. And lets say we're sitting on a shelf in Best Buy, with everyone else on Earth. now lets say you're a very early model standard computer. 5 Gig hard drive hard drive, 12 inch screen, 90 megs RAM and a 3 1/2" floppy drive. Nothing extravegant. You look over at me and I've got a 20 GIG hard drive 19" screen 280 megs RAM, 3 1/2" floppy drive and DVD playing ROM drive. Well obviously I'm superior to you. Our goal in life is to be baught (Or in life be excepted and successful)  Now imagine, someone comes to Best Buy (Lets say money is not an issue with advanced technology) and well DUH, they chose me over you because I am superior. In this example I am not directly impairing your ability to be bought. however, if I wasn't for sale they likely would have bought you. So you don't like me because I am superior.

Make sense at all? Didn't think so but it works for me. The point is that even though I am not a bad person. (computer) You don't like me because you see me as a threa to your ultimate goals in life. So you don't like me and feel the ned to try to make yourself superior to me in some other way. These ways usally involve trying to make yourself at a personal advantage. Going back to the computer analogy this could include telling shoppers "You don't need all that extra RAM it just increases the chances of your computer getting messed up" or "DVD playing ROMs break more than 3 1/2" floppies. 3 1/2 Floppies are much more reliable." Bascically in life puting me down and attempting to make yourself appear superior to your piers.

But I'm getting off track. I've worked hard to become who and what I am, which is viewed superior to other teenagers my age. And because I wok so hard and I still working hard to be who I am I like constant reconization for who and what I am. Why else you ask? Observe.

My parents influenced why I am alot. helping subconsiously to develope my thinking processes expanding my vocabularing and so fourth. So where I should be geting the majority of my praise, support and reconization from; my parents/family, I get none. They have become used to my mentality and intelligence and provide me with no verbal reward for my work or drive to excell beyond my current personality. I'm not saying I need them to challenge me further to better myself . But when those closest to me reconize me for my work on my personality, it gives me my own drive to soar and succeed to greater lengths.

However my everyday intereactions with my family have become mundane and un-eventful. If I tell them a new open-minded idealistic theory I have come up with for life, it is greeted and sent awa with one un-enthusiastic "That's great". When I am confronted with this lack of enthusiasm in my life over my work and ideals it gives me the mentality of "What's the point? Why bother trying to become a better person if they are so un-enthused with me now after this much work."

So you say why not try to get better than you are to blow them away? It's kind of confusing actually. On the one hand, I had decided to not try to better myself to be good enough for someone else. After years of tirelessly trying to better myself trying to be good enough for my parents, I realized in some way I will never be good enough for them. Sure I'm their daughter and I AM "good enough" for them, but as long as I'm not perfect I will never be good enough.

So your next question is don't you do it for yourself? Well, the problem with that is by the very nature of my personality I like to do things to get reconization and praise. So if nothing I do is praisworthy to those around me, namely my family then I don't get any personal satasfaction from my achievements either.

So instead I am constantly soaking up prais from friends, teachers, and other 'authority' figures. After a while though, the shock of a mature intelligent, mindful intellectual teenager goes away and again I am filled with a feeling of emptiness.

So please I beg of you. Don't get used to me. Continue to reconize and praise my for who I am and what I've become. I know sometimes I play coy, shy, and modest, and other times I act down right concided. But know that your praise and support are appreciated and don't go un-noticed.

For me to be the best me I can be, I need constant reminders from you that I'm on my way.