Many times in the past I've sworn off guys, relationships, sex, whatever. Many thoughts in the past I have come to the conclusion that I need to be cool with me and not need Jimmy or Beau, or Martin or Johnny or any other guy that watz's into my life to make me happy. But I had never achieved that goal of mine. I was never OK by myself. I was never alright alone. Any glimer of a chance for a relationship. something with I was trying to get to have normalcy in my life. I was trying to have a stable relationship so that when my life and my emotions where FLYING out of control I could find comfort and confidence in something stable. But I wasn't stable, my relationships weren't stable. My boyfriends weren't ready to put up with my emotional maintainence needs, they weren't ready for me, and neither was I. (Ready for myself that is) So where am I at now?

 

      I'm alone I'm chilling I'm cool I'm kickin it I'm hangin out I'm alone I'm by myself. I have no one that I would let close to my heart. No one that I'm groping for a relationship with. Now I"m normal... But how I love being normal... and how I hate it.

 

     I hate it because now everything with guys is meaningless. OK... so I kissed him... no big deal I'm fine whatever it was kinda boring but you know whatever. Now I see what everyone else was trying to tell me. I'm not old... I'm not especially mature (Ok, maybe a little) I'm not all intelligent and special. I'm just 16. I'm young I'm stupid I make mistakes regardless of how much shit I've been through. Regardless of how much pain or responsibility I've taken on. I'm still me. I'm still the teenager. I'm still the one that's alone family wise. And no guy is going to change that.

 

     But I suppose I don't see everything the way everyone else does. Because I"m still going to move out. I'm still going to be... What the freak ever people. I'm still going to run away from this situation which I despise with all my being. I'm still jumping in to the deep end with just a twig if wood to help me float. But just as I can not clearly see that I'm not old or mature or especially intelligent, I can also see things that they cant. And that is my unusually powerful drive to succeed and bullshit everyone else. To be able to say "Fuck you, you say I can't and now I will just because I can." I had hopes of being emancipated. And that would have been pure boasting rights I think. But that's not really the important thing. I don't think it's important to be able to go into the pool house that is 18+ and be all "Yeah I'm 16. You got a problem with that? Tough shit because I"m emancipated and you can't not let me be here without being discriminatory. I am legal just like everyone else in this room" I don't care. There are half a dozen other pool houses I can go to. The whole FUCKING POINT OF ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT!!! Was just to be in a better social position. Right now my social life evolves around my family. If I'm allowed to go out, and how my family socializes with me (Which is generally not good)

 

      But like I said... The only thing that's important is getting out of this house. Getting away from this place that is infuriating me and making me hurt and hate and despise. But check this out... I have to be moved out for a min. of 4 months before I can be emancipated. During that time I will be in lingo. I'll be moved out and technically my dad would have jurisdiction over me, except I'm attempted to get emancipated and he has no fucking idea if I'm home by 9:30 or not. And I don't fucking care. I will be able to whatever I want... and whether I'm emancipated by the time I'm 17 or by the time I'm fucking 18 makes no mind. I will be far far away from this place that is killing me.

 

      So here you have it. I've come to way too many epiphonies for my liking. And they're all true. And at the same time... they all suck... Except the part about me moving out. So just to let you know... This Saturday (November 15th '03) I will be sitting in a cafiteria at the school which I currently attend. Taking a test with I conned my dad in to paying for (A hefty 50 bucks mind you) With any luck by December 20th I'll have a diploma sitting in my mailbox. Waiting for me to open it and jump up and down at the fact that I got my diploma at 16. And... if everything goes my way... Jan 5th will be my last day of school. Won't that be awesome. Then I deffinately get my happy ass a job. 9-5 probably... take a couple evening/night classes at the local college while I wait for my to-be roommate to move out here so we can get a place together (In March) Then... Oh my beloved. Then you will hear the victorious cry of my life. I will have made it out.

 

Forget the regret. I'm on my way out. Only this is a good way. Peace people. Wish my luck on the journey's ahead.